Rough draft- The initial scene was from a dream I had. I think there was a man in the room with me, but I couldn't clarify who he would be. I am still fleshing this one out. I do have an idea for the rest of the story.
The rain softly tapped on the window, streaming down the slick surface, beads of water gathering and separating almost like they were dancing on the glass. Alyson’s forehead pressed against the glass, her fingers tracing the water beads; barely 3 ft tall, she stands looking down 15 stories to the street below. Barely visible she strains to see the people scurrying around below. Her captor or rather her savior gently places her hand on her shoulders, guiding her away from the window.
I too strain my eyes looking down 15 stories, hoping she is no longer standing on the sidewalk below.
“Would you like something to eat?” I softly ask Alyson.
She’s so small, so frail. I look at her small frame and think to myself how tiny she is for being six. Her long strands of hair are matted together, the shimmer long gone from years of neglect. The dirty smudges on her face are resemblances of the smudges that I know are on her soul and heart. So frail; yet so strong. I am always amazed at what the human spirit can survive. Her dark eyes are lifeless. I don’t think I will ever get used to looking into eyes whose light has been extinguished by the cruelty of man.
A knock on the door makes both of us jump. I scurry her off to the back bedroom and remind her that she needs to be very quiet. I apologize to her one more time as I slip her into the closet and close the door behind me. My heart hurts that she is left alone in the dark one more time but it can’t be helped. If they find her here she will undoubtedly be taken back to her home and I carted off to jail. This is not my brightest moment by far. I must have lost my mind just long enough to turn my world upside down.
“Who is it?” I ask. My heart is trying to pound its way out of my chest. I’m shaking, inhale, exhale, come on breathe Angela. God please, steady me Lord.
“Angela it’s me again.”
“Susan? I thought we were done.”
“Open up Angela, this isn’t CPS Susan, this is friend Susan. You’ve got to hear me out.”
“Yea, of course, come in. Please have a seat.”
“No need to be so formal. What are doing Angela?”
“What do mean?”
“You will lose your job and you will go to jail.”
“That’s assuming I’ve done something worthy of losing my job and going to jail. I’ve already told you, I know nothing about Alyson. I am worried sick about her, but part of me can’t help but wonder if she isn’t better off lost somewhere than in her own home.”
“Now you see, you do know something, because the Angela I know wouldn’t be okay with her lost somewhere. Angela damn it, let me help you. It’s not too late to fix it, I can fix this still, but tomorrow, when my boss and the news gets a hold of this, there will be no turning back. Right now her father only cares about having her back. He is so damn guilty he isn’t making waves. As a matter of fact he wants all of this to just go away, her back and all this forgotten. “
“And you don’t find that strange? Look I already told you, I don’t know anything. I’m sorry but you’re going to have to leave. I have a lot to do this afternoon. Goodbye Susan.”
I walk over to the door and gesture for her to leave.
Giving my arm a reassuring squeeze Susan declares, “You really have a friend here Angela. I thought you knew that.”
I close the door behind her and run into my bedroom closet where I find Alyson curled up on the floor sound asleep. I read in a book once that when children experience fear to great for them to handle they go to sleep. I scooped her up in my arms and laid her on my bed, surrounding her with stuffed animals and billowy pillows. I lay a pallet on the floor next to her. I wanted to stay close in case she woke up in the middle of the night. I knew I had to take her somewhere tomorrow. I couldn’t keep stowing her away in my closet every time someone knocked on the door.
Alyson? It was dark. What time is it? I wondered. I groped the covers of the bed hoping to feel her body snuggled underneath but I couldn’t feel her. I had to get her out of my apartment tonight. I didn’t know why, but something was urging me to leave. I got up, turned on the light, only to find an empty bed. My heart sank, where could she have gone?
“Alyson, honey where are you?” I whispered.
I opened the closet and there she was curled up just as I had found her earlier. Bless her heart, she must feel safe there. I wondered how many nights she slept in her own closet instead of in her own bed in hopes of finding solace.
I gently close the door leaving her there while I pack a bag for me and gather her few belongings. At least I had the presence of mind to make a cash withdrawal before I did this, this gosh how stupid. What was I thinking? Mom. I’ll take her to mom. If I drive all night I can get her there and get back ready for work as if none of this ever happened.
Monday, October 13, 2008
Sunday, September 21, 2008
Redemption-Draft 3
Prompt: From Stephen Kings book "On Writing"
An abusive wife
Chapter One
The living room is barely lit. A single lamp suspends from the ceiling, casting an eerie formation of shadows alongside the wall. All is quiet except for the faint sound from a television that was left on in the bedroom. The sound barely filtering into the living room where Adam sat perched on the edge of the sofa. His eyes warily following the red glow of the cigarette that is carelessly dangling between her fingers.
“Look at me!” She screams, her voice breaking through the stillness, causing Adam to wrench.
He slowly raises his head, careful not to make eye contact with her.
“You're pathetic! Look at you. You make me sick!” She cackles at him with a disgust that reveals
her hatred and her loathsome thoughts, for him, for her father, for every man.
With a start, she turns and looks behind her. A voice from her past is calling out to her. She closes her eyes and hears him whispering her name. She shakes her head and with a quick jolt she tries to toss him from her mind. It’s too late; he’s already drawn her back to him.
She lies very still, trying not to breathe. She can sense his presence standing over her. She smells him, a mixture of sweat, cigarettes and diesel; he worked in an automotive shop. It was almost as if he ate and drank of it. He reeked of it always, even after he bathed. The smell never left him; making her stomach bitter. The stench of whiskey was heavier this night than usual. It begins to burn in her nostrils. Her eyes start to tear. She convinces herself it had to be from the strong odor of the whiskey, they weren't tears, no tears, no more.
Reaching for her, he draws close to her ear whispering her name. Chills run down her spine, despising the very sound of her own name.
She can see the events flashing through her mind as if they were happening to her at that very moment. She hears the vows she made; the vows that tragically stole her humanity.
“No man will ever hurt me again, never!” She swears through clenched teeth.
Drenched in his repulsiveness, her heart is hardened as hatred rears up inside of her. No more tears, no more sorrows, just unadulterated hatred for his very existence, for the existence of all men. In her mind only his violent death could ever vindicate her.
Making her second vow; she would kill him first thing in the morning. ~
Chapter Two
“Sara? Honey, please can we talk about this?”Adam searches his wife's face for answers.
Her eyes are wild, he'd seen them like that before, many times, but something was different. Is that a tear? If it was it would be the first, at least the first he had ever seen.
“Sara, please sit down.” Adam whispers. “I'm sorry. Okay? Whatever I did.” He corrects himself.
“For what I did; let's just sit and talk for a minute. Put the cigarette down and come here and sit down.” Adam pats the space beside him, motioning with his other hand for her to come and sit beside him.
All the while he keeps his eye on that same cigarette. The red glow is getting fainter as the ashes accumulate, suspending precariously in mid-air.
For a reason only her inner demons know, her rage abruptly subsides. He had never seen her like this. Of course he'd seen her rages many times since Katelyn's death but now as she stood there motionless she looked crushed as if she had experienced a fatal blow. He almost expected her to crumble to the floor. Abased, she lowers her head and walks over to Adam. Peering into his eyes, she pierces through him a despairing call for help. In his haste to help her, he extends his hand out to her. Sara’s eyes widen and with all of the force that is within her, she strikes him hard across his face, ashes and sparks scatter into the air.
She doesn’t say a word, to him, not even an insult, as she turns and walks out of the room. Adam sweeps his tongue across his bottom lip, tasting the saltiness of his own blood oozing from the gash. With the back of his trembling hand, he wipes his mouth, wrenching from the sting. He rises and walks to the door, with his hand on the knob he hesitates. Instinctively he looks behind him, expecting her to be there throwing curses at him for even thinking about leaving. She isn’t there this time. He reaches for his coat and walks out the door.
He guesses he should consider himself lucky tonight. He knows it could have been much worse as it had been so many times before.
Bewildered and alone with his usual thoughts of defeat and confusion after a night like this he gets in his car.
Sara's words piercing through him, "I am pathetic" he screams.
His shame runs deep. He bangs his head against the steering wheel, not sure why he is sitting there. He has nowhere to go. For a moment he contemplates running his car into a brick wall. He dispels that thought quickly, reminding himself, that he is a coward. Now that driving into a brick wall is not an option he decides it's relatively safe to start the ignition. He lets the car idle, still unsure what to do next. He cries out in desperation to a God he barely knows. He opens himself up, becoming transparent he exposes his fears, his shames and even his disappointment in God. ~
He finds that emptying himself is refreshing and strangely clarifying; taking a deep breath, he pulls onto the road, heading north.
“North to anywhere.” He declares triumphantly.
He begins his journey to an unknown destination. Strangely, he has no qualms about heading out to a destination he doesn't know. He feels empowered by his prayer with a renewed faith that wherever he ends up it will be good.
As Adam drives, his mind travels on its own journey back through his past tackling the hard questions.
Trying to find some understanding Adam ponder's his past.
(I change POV here. Is that Good or Bad?)
Why did I stay living in that hell for so long? It's been two years since Katelyn died. Why did I stay? At first I thought it was only a phase. I was convinced this was Sara's way of dealing with the loss of our daughter. Sara had been a loving wife once, hadn't she? Well, she was most of the time. She had moments where she would go on her tirades. I never knew what would trigger them, but I could handle them. Couldn't I? And her sharp tongue; she could be really harsh with her words, but she was always sorry afterwards. She had never been violent; not once I don't think. Not before Katelyn died. Why didn't I demand answers? I knew something tragic had happened to her, why didn't I make her talk about it? I was truly a coward, in so many different ways. I'm sorry Sara.
The doctors said Katelyn had simply stopped breathing; things like this happen, they assured me. A sympathetic pat on the back and we were sent home, alone, leaving Katelyn behind. Then I began the despairing task of burying my little Angel, who was only two months old. It was as if someone had reached into my throat and tried to pull my heart through it, stopping midway. How did I survive that?
Sara became withdrawn shortly after Katelyn was born. She had wanted a boy. We were told it was going to be a girl but Sara refused to believe it. She insisted the doctors had made a mistake. I never understood her great need for a son. When I asked her she would just shrug it off and say, she wanted him for me, to carry my last name, to be a legacy, a little Adam, she would chime. It made sense. After Katelyn's birth, Sara became more withdrawn and detached towards Katelyn. Her anger towards me grew, turning vile.
I knew her wanting a boy so desperately had to go much deeper than she was letting on, but Sara never talked about her feelings and I never pushed, asking questions always caused a problem. With Sara, when she was happy everything was great, when she wasn't it was deemed to be all my fault.
I'll never forget. Her detached tone was thick and stoic when she told me Katelyn had died. She waited until I got home from work to tell me. That made no sense to me but there was too much to grasp, too many questions that seemed more important at that time. It was all too much for me. I guess I pushed that out of my mind. Now two years later that question haunts me more than anything else. Well almost more than anything, she never cried over Katelyn's death either. Thinking about that still stirs a feeling of dread in my gut. I know there is more, but I fear I couldn't possibly handle knowing what that more might be. Oh Lord, help me understand this feeling that torments me day and night.
Adam grows weary. Emotionally drained he turns up the radio, hoping the music would stop his mind from the myraid of thoughts that are bombarding him. He doesn't want to think anymore, he just wants to rest. He concludes that singing along might help stop the whirling thoughts in his head. ~
It was fear that rose up inside of him every time he pondered those two questions. Why did she wait? Why hasn't she cried? Although he caught an occasional glimpse of the good women she had the potential to be he was aware of an evil that lurked just within the surface of her inner being. He knew it was wise to be afraid of her.
Adam wasn't a violent man, evidently not even in the face of danger; he couldn't raise a hand to her. He did initially attempt to protect himself. He was careful not to stand within arm's length of her cigarette; in her darkest moments, she took pleasure embedding them into his face. He would attempt to deflect her swings, but even so, he never raised his hand against her. Inevitably, he ended up cowering in a corner fearing for his very life. ~
He continues to drive, persevering through the night, stopping only for gas. Yawning he rubs his eyes and stretches one arm around his chest trying to stir himself. Tiring, straining to see the road in front of him. There was no moon or stars out to illuminate his way. His headlights were the only lights breaking through the dark of night. He didn't know where he was going; he just knew he had to go. There was nothing left to hold on to. No reason for him to go back. Katelyn was gone and so was Sara. Had she ever really been there? He didn't know anything anymore. The only thing that made any sense now was to keep driving and to never look back. ~
Chapter Three
Spring was a welcome sight, bringing with it a new life for Adam. He was certain his new life was primed for many new beginnings.
The divorce to Sara was finalized in December. Standing on his deck looking out towards the lake, Adam draws in the fresh crisp air, filling his lungs and releasing with a satisfying sigh. Glad to be alive.
He no longer had to live with the shame of his past. He found a care group within one of the local churches. They wrapped their arms around him. What he thought would be a burden of shame to reveal his secrets, turned out to be quite redemptive. A new life began to evolve almost the moment he opened himself up to God and to others in his church. He knew without a doubt, God had led him to this place. Nothing felt like chance anymore. Everything had purpose.
He hadn't talked to Sara since that night. He let his lawyer's handle everything. He even offered to pay for her attorney which she accepted. He wanted to make a clean break, no hard feelings as they say. He decided forgiveness, and letting go of all the bitterness was far better than holding on to it. More than anything, he wanted to live again.
He understood the events that had transpired in his life were just as much about him as they were about her. Even so, he couldn't help but wonder what deep dark secrets Sara kept hidden inside her soul. He wanted to know the truth, the truth about Katelyn, the truth about what turned Sara into a monster, but peace, yes peace at this time was more important. Those secrets were going to have to lay dormant a while longer. He trusted the Lord would lead him to the truth when he was ready. Until then he was going to learn to walk in wholeness and hold his new friends and his new life dearly close to his heart.
“Adam, you have a phone call.” Roger, Adam's roommate interrupting his muse.
“Can you take a message? I hate to pass up this glorious morning on the phone.”
“Sorry, Adam you should probably take this, she says her name is Sara.”
Adam's hands begin to sweat, his mouth going dry the very moment her name is mentioned.
“How did she get my number?” He whispers to Roger.
“I don't know man; you want me to tell her you're not here?”
“Sorry to do this to you but get her number. I have to call her back”
“Okay, got you covered.” Roger assures him.
Adam can't imagine what reasonable purpose she could have to call him. She hadn't contested the divorce. She hadn't requested to discuss anything regarding the contents of the divorce papers. An unexplained awareness begins to rise up within him. By some means sensing the one thing, the only thing she could want after all this time.
He needed to get his head together; this was too much to take in. All of these emotions coming at him surprised him; thinking he was over his past. He believed he was ready to move on to embrace his future, however a new revelation was descending upon him; he couldn't move on until his past was confronted, all of it even the unfathomable parts. Knowing what he must do, he grabs his bible and heads towards the lake.
Roger calls out to him; Adam waves his bible in the air without slowing his stride. Smiling, Roger knows he is going to be all right.
Adam walks to his favorite spot on the lake front, between two massive oak trees. The branches extend against a great expanse towards the sky. Some of its elephant like limbs sweep down almost touching the ground, and then jet back up towards the heavens. The magnificence of these trees symbolized Gods majesty to Adam. He built a sturdy bench out of teak wood, placing it between the two trees. He felt safe as he sat nestled between the two of them. He came to this place many times during his restoration period, feeling closest to God there. Sitting, he begins to search the word, reading aloud and speaking out to God asking for answers and seeking peace. Above all things he knew he needed God's peace.
“Adam.” Barely a whisper; yet recognizable.
Adam opens his eyes. For a moment he wished it were a ghost standing before him, but it wasn't, it was her. It was Sara.
Closing his eyes again, he realized his prayer had been answered, his inner turmoil had subsided. Adam opens his eyes. In the distance he sees two men in suits, one leaning against a car the other pacing up and down the dirt road chain smoking cigarettes. Adam looks questionably at Sara, but feels he should be silent.
“Adam, I tried to call first, but you were busy. I am sorry to drop in on you like this, but I thought it would be best you heard this from me than from someone else.”
“Hear what? How did you know where to find me?”
“I've always known. One night I came here to kill you, but I couldn't do it. I was over taken by grief at the very sight of you.”
Wait, you've been here? To my house?” “When?” “To what? To kill me?"
"That doesn't matter.”
“It doesn't matter? You came to my home to kill me, and it doesn't matter?”
“Well, yes of course it does, but, but oh, please Adam.” She says, lifting her head.
“You're crying? Sara, what's going on? Are those men with you?”
“Adam, may I sit?”
“Yes.” Adam pats the seat beside him, with his other hand he motions for her to sit next to him. Remembering the last time he did that, “Yes Sara please, sit. Let's talk.”
“Those men are waiting for me. They are attorneys. When I leave here I am going to turn myself in.”
“Turn yourself in?” Adam swallows hard, sensing his fears are about to be founded. Without thought he tightens his grip on his bible and waits.
“Adam. I have done some terrible things, awful and unforgivable things. Sara looks down at her hands. Placing one shaking hand over the other, “I hate that.” She says.
Adam compasionantly reaches out, covering her shaking hands with his own hand. Inexplicably, he knows what she is about to tell him, his inner spirit has already prepared him for this very moment.
She begins with telling him about her father, his drunken bouts and how he cruelly exploited her. She pauses to collect her thoughts. Continuing slowly, she tells him about the last time. She tells him, the vow she made that was supposed to protect her, actually served to destroy her.
“Something inside of me changed, Adam. The night I vowed he would never hurt me again. I stopped crying. Almost instantly fear left and apathy took its place. That night I stopped feeling all emotion except one, hatred. When he finished with me, he staggered out of my room and passed out across his bed. I can still see my actions. I don't recall thinking, it was as if I were possessed with a force that was greater than me; the force of hatred overtook me. I sat on his bed lighting one cigarette after another placing them on his sheet until it finally caught fire. I collected most of the butts, keeping them with me. He was so stupid drunk; he never even woke up. I simply walked out the front door as his bed began to burn. I wasn't sure if he was going to die, but I didn't care, as long as he suffered. As I walked down the street I flung the butts one at a time scattering them to the wind. I pretended they were his ashes. When I think about it, I know I should have been mortified by the very sight of him, but I wasn't. He did finally die, four days later. I sat at his bedside every day pretending to be the loving daughter. I watched as his last breath left his body. It was the most satisfying day of my entire life. In his suffering I found comfort, only it didn't last. His disfigured face began to haunt my dreams. I tried to convince myself, it was my duty to rid this world of such an evil, but still I was tormented by what I had done, causing me to disappear even deeper into darkness.”
Taking a deep breath, Sara begins to shake, sobbing, she begs Adam to forgive her.
Adam knows what’s coming next. He asks God for strength. His voice cracks as he
asks her the question he’s always known the answer to.
“Did you?” He clears his throat and whispers “Katelyn.”
While still holding her hand, he braces himself.
She slowly nods her head. Adam tightens his grip around her hand and begins to sob uncontrollably
I’m so sorry.” she whispers repeatedly.”Why, Sara? I don’t understand. Why? I’m not him, I’m not a monster. What were?”
She places a finger on his lips to quiet him.
“Fear, Adam. Fear, I was so blinded by hatred and this unbridled fear. I was consumed with hating you just for being a man.”
She explains how her fear and anger grew as her unborn child grew. She was angry with God for giving her a daughter, convinced he was bent on tormenting her. God hadn’t protected her when she was a child. There was no one for her to depend on. She trusted no one. Sara knew she was the only one that could protect this child. Once Katelyn was born, Sara knew the evil that men perpetrated couldn’t be allowed to touch her sweet innocent Katelyn. Her heart breaks all over again as she tells him how she gently covered their little Katelyn’s mouth and nostrils, and held them shut until she stopped struggling. She truly believed she was saving Katelyn from the hell she had lived. Moreover, she hated Adam because she blamed him for what she had to do.
They continued to hold each other and for the first time since their daughter’s death, they mourned for her together.She tells him about what went on in her mind that led to the night she came to kill him and of her plan to take her own life immediately after.
She continues, “Your sliding door wasn’t locked. There was a full moon that night which helped me find my way through your house, to your bedroom. It all seemed so perfect and so easy. I saw you sleeping. You had your bible opened, lying across your chest. I stood over you, and then I realized I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t do what I went there to do. I was disgusted with myself. I took one step back about to turn and walk out when I felt compelled to reach for your bible. I pulled it towards me; there was a faint glow from the moon which illuminated the stark white pages that the book was opened to. I stared at those pages, the light was too dim to make out the words, but I couldn’t turn away. I was suddenly overtaken with grief. I ran out of your house clutching your bible to my chest, crying for the first time in twenty years. That was the moment something in me changed.
Adam interrupted, “Bible? Sara, I have my bible.”
They both realized Sara had mistakenly made her way into Roger’s room. Adam remembered the morning Roger came into his room waking him searching for his bible. Finally, after two days Roger broke down, buying himself a new one.
Adam didn’t feel anger or rage welling up inside of him at any time during Sara’s confessions. He marvels at the vast sentiment of compassion that is overtaking him, compassion for her and for the tragic events that led her life to this fateful end. He continues to hold her. They sit intertwined sobbing together.
He knows she could very well be sentenced to death for her crimes, she did too. A price she is willing and ready to pay. She had made her peace with God and now with Adam. She is ready to face whatever lay before her, convinced her future was bright.
Tearing herself from his embrace, thanking him for not hating her she expresses her gratitude for his undeserved mercy.
Imprinting a soft kiss on his check, she whispers, “I'm not afraid.”
As he watches her walk away, Adam knows without reservation that it is the Lords strength that is leading her, and keeping him.
An abusive wife
Chapter One
The living room is barely lit. A single lamp suspends from the ceiling, casting an eerie formation of shadows alongside the wall. All is quiet except for the faint sound from a television that was left on in the bedroom. The sound barely filtering into the living room where Adam sat perched on the edge of the sofa. His eyes warily following the red glow of the cigarette that is carelessly dangling between her fingers.
“Look at me!” She screams, her voice breaking through the stillness, causing Adam to wrench.
He slowly raises his head, careful not to make eye contact with her.
“You're pathetic! Look at you. You make me sick!” She cackles at him with a disgust that reveals
her hatred and her loathsome thoughts, for him, for her father, for every man.
With a start, she turns and looks behind her. A voice from her past is calling out to her. She closes her eyes and hears him whispering her name. She shakes her head and with a quick jolt she tries to toss him from her mind. It’s too late; he’s already drawn her back to him.
She lies very still, trying not to breathe. She can sense his presence standing over her. She smells him, a mixture of sweat, cigarettes and diesel; he worked in an automotive shop. It was almost as if he ate and drank of it. He reeked of it always, even after he bathed. The smell never left him; making her stomach bitter. The stench of whiskey was heavier this night than usual. It begins to burn in her nostrils. Her eyes start to tear. She convinces herself it had to be from the strong odor of the whiskey, they weren't tears, no tears, no more.
Reaching for her, he draws close to her ear whispering her name. Chills run down her spine, despising the very sound of her own name.
She can see the events flashing through her mind as if they were happening to her at that very moment. She hears the vows she made; the vows that tragically stole her humanity.
“No man will ever hurt me again, never!” She swears through clenched teeth.
Drenched in his repulsiveness, her heart is hardened as hatred rears up inside of her. No more tears, no more sorrows, just unadulterated hatred for his very existence, for the existence of all men. In her mind only his violent death could ever vindicate her.
Making her second vow; she would kill him first thing in the morning. ~
Chapter Two
“Sara? Honey, please can we talk about this?”Adam searches his wife's face for answers.
Her eyes are wild, he'd seen them like that before, many times, but something was different. Is that a tear? If it was it would be the first, at least the first he had ever seen.
“Sara, please sit down.” Adam whispers. “I'm sorry. Okay? Whatever I did.” He corrects himself.
“For what I did; let's just sit and talk for a minute. Put the cigarette down and come here and sit down.” Adam pats the space beside him, motioning with his other hand for her to come and sit beside him.
All the while he keeps his eye on that same cigarette. The red glow is getting fainter as the ashes accumulate, suspending precariously in mid-air.
For a reason only her inner demons know, her rage abruptly subsides. He had never seen her like this. Of course he'd seen her rages many times since Katelyn's death but now as she stood there motionless she looked crushed as if she had experienced a fatal blow. He almost expected her to crumble to the floor. Abased, she lowers her head and walks over to Adam. Peering into his eyes, she pierces through him a despairing call for help. In his haste to help her, he extends his hand out to her. Sara’s eyes widen and with all of the force that is within her, she strikes him hard across his face, ashes and sparks scatter into the air.
She doesn’t say a word, to him, not even an insult, as she turns and walks out of the room. Adam sweeps his tongue across his bottom lip, tasting the saltiness of his own blood oozing from the gash. With the back of his trembling hand, he wipes his mouth, wrenching from the sting. He rises and walks to the door, with his hand on the knob he hesitates. Instinctively he looks behind him, expecting her to be there throwing curses at him for even thinking about leaving. She isn’t there this time. He reaches for his coat and walks out the door.
He guesses he should consider himself lucky tonight. He knows it could have been much worse as it had been so many times before.
Bewildered and alone with his usual thoughts of defeat and confusion after a night like this he gets in his car.
Sara's words piercing through him, "I am pathetic" he screams.
His shame runs deep. He bangs his head against the steering wheel, not sure why he is sitting there. He has nowhere to go. For a moment he contemplates running his car into a brick wall. He dispels that thought quickly, reminding himself, that he is a coward. Now that driving into a brick wall is not an option he decides it's relatively safe to start the ignition. He lets the car idle, still unsure what to do next. He cries out in desperation to a God he barely knows. He opens himself up, becoming transparent he exposes his fears, his shames and even his disappointment in God. ~
He finds that emptying himself is refreshing and strangely clarifying; taking a deep breath, he pulls onto the road, heading north.
“North to anywhere.” He declares triumphantly.
He begins his journey to an unknown destination. Strangely, he has no qualms about heading out to a destination he doesn't know. He feels empowered by his prayer with a renewed faith that wherever he ends up it will be good.
As Adam drives, his mind travels on its own journey back through his past tackling the hard questions.
Trying to find some understanding Adam ponder's his past.
(I change POV here. Is that Good or Bad?)
Why did I stay living in that hell for so long? It's been two years since Katelyn died. Why did I stay? At first I thought it was only a phase. I was convinced this was Sara's way of dealing with the loss of our daughter. Sara had been a loving wife once, hadn't she? Well, she was most of the time. She had moments where she would go on her tirades. I never knew what would trigger them, but I could handle them. Couldn't I? And her sharp tongue; she could be really harsh with her words, but she was always sorry afterwards. She had never been violent; not once I don't think. Not before Katelyn died. Why didn't I demand answers? I knew something tragic had happened to her, why didn't I make her talk about it? I was truly a coward, in so many different ways. I'm sorry Sara.
The doctors said Katelyn had simply stopped breathing; things like this happen, they assured me. A sympathetic pat on the back and we were sent home, alone, leaving Katelyn behind. Then I began the despairing task of burying my little Angel, who was only two months old. It was as if someone had reached into my throat and tried to pull my heart through it, stopping midway. How did I survive that?
Sara became withdrawn shortly after Katelyn was born. She had wanted a boy. We were told it was going to be a girl but Sara refused to believe it. She insisted the doctors had made a mistake. I never understood her great need for a son. When I asked her she would just shrug it off and say, she wanted him for me, to carry my last name, to be a legacy, a little Adam, she would chime. It made sense. After Katelyn's birth, Sara became more withdrawn and detached towards Katelyn. Her anger towards me grew, turning vile.
I knew her wanting a boy so desperately had to go much deeper than she was letting on, but Sara never talked about her feelings and I never pushed, asking questions always caused a problem. With Sara, when she was happy everything was great, when she wasn't it was deemed to be all my fault.
I'll never forget. Her detached tone was thick and stoic when she told me Katelyn had died. She waited until I got home from work to tell me. That made no sense to me but there was too much to grasp, too many questions that seemed more important at that time. It was all too much for me. I guess I pushed that out of my mind. Now two years later that question haunts me more than anything else. Well almost more than anything, she never cried over Katelyn's death either. Thinking about that still stirs a feeling of dread in my gut. I know there is more, but I fear I couldn't possibly handle knowing what that more might be. Oh Lord, help me understand this feeling that torments me day and night.
Adam grows weary. Emotionally drained he turns up the radio, hoping the music would stop his mind from the myraid of thoughts that are bombarding him. He doesn't want to think anymore, he just wants to rest. He concludes that singing along might help stop the whirling thoughts in his head. ~
It was fear that rose up inside of him every time he pondered those two questions. Why did she wait? Why hasn't she cried? Although he caught an occasional glimpse of the good women she had the potential to be he was aware of an evil that lurked just within the surface of her inner being. He knew it was wise to be afraid of her.
Adam wasn't a violent man, evidently not even in the face of danger; he couldn't raise a hand to her. He did initially attempt to protect himself. He was careful not to stand within arm's length of her cigarette; in her darkest moments, she took pleasure embedding them into his face. He would attempt to deflect her swings, but even so, he never raised his hand against her. Inevitably, he ended up cowering in a corner fearing for his very life. ~
He continues to drive, persevering through the night, stopping only for gas. Yawning he rubs his eyes and stretches one arm around his chest trying to stir himself. Tiring, straining to see the road in front of him. There was no moon or stars out to illuminate his way. His headlights were the only lights breaking through the dark of night. He didn't know where he was going; he just knew he had to go. There was nothing left to hold on to. No reason for him to go back. Katelyn was gone and so was Sara. Had she ever really been there? He didn't know anything anymore. The only thing that made any sense now was to keep driving and to never look back. ~
Chapter Three
Spring was a welcome sight, bringing with it a new life for Adam. He was certain his new life was primed for many new beginnings.
The divorce to Sara was finalized in December. Standing on his deck looking out towards the lake, Adam draws in the fresh crisp air, filling his lungs and releasing with a satisfying sigh. Glad to be alive.
He no longer had to live with the shame of his past. He found a care group within one of the local churches. They wrapped their arms around him. What he thought would be a burden of shame to reveal his secrets, turned out to be quite redemptive. A new life began to evolve almost the moment he opened himself up to God and to others in his church. He knew without a doubt, God had led him to this place. Nothing felt like chance anymore. Everything had purpose.
He hadn't talked to Sara since that night. He let his lawyer's handle everything. He even offered to pay for her attorney which she accepted. He wanted to make a clean break, no hard feelings as they say. He decided forgiveness, and letting go of all the bitterness was far better than holding on to it. More than anything, he wanted to live again.
He understood the events that had transpired in his life were just as much about him as they were about her. Even so, he couldn't help but wonder what deep dark secrets Sara kept hidden inside her soul. He wanted to know the truth, the truth about Katelyn, the truth about what turned Sara into a monster, but peace, yes peace at this time was more important. Those secrets were going to have to lay dormant a while longer. He trusted the Lord would lead him to the truth when he was ready. Until then he was going to learn to walk in wholeness and hold his new friends and his new life dearly close to his heart.
“Adam, you have a phone call.” Roger, Adam's roommate interrupting his muse.
“Can you take a message? I hate to pass up this glorious morning on the phone.”
“Sorry, Adam you should probably take this, she says her name is Sara.”
Adam's hands begin to sweat, his mouth going dry the very moment her name is mentioned.
“How did she get my number?” He whispers to Roger.
“I don't know man; you want me to tell her you're not here?”
“Sorry to do this to you but get her number. I have to call her back”
“Okay, got you covered.” Roger assures him.
Adam can't imagine what reasonable purpose she could have to call him. She hadn't contested the divorce. She hadn't requested to discuss anything regarding the contents of the divorce papers. An unexplained awareness begins to rise up within him. By some means sensing the one thing, the only thing she could want after all this time.
He needed to get his head together; this was too much to take in. All of these emotions coming at him surprised him; thinking he was over his past. He believed he was ready to move on to embrace his future, however a new revelation was descending upon him; he couldn't move on until his past was confronted, all of it even the unfathomable parts. Knowing what he must do, he grabs his bible and heads towards the lake.
Roger calls out to him; Adam waves his bible in the air without slowing his stride. Smiling, Roger knows he is going to be all right.
Adam walks to his favorite spot on the lake front, between two massive oak trees. The branches extend against a great expanse towards the sky. Some of its elephant like limbs sweep down almost touching the ground, and then jet back up towards the heavens. The magnificence of these trees symbolized Gods majesty to Adam. He built a sturdy bench out of teak wood, placing it between the two trees. He felt safe as he sat nestled between the two of them. He came to this place many times during his restoration period, feeling closest to God there. Sitting, he begins to search the word, reading aloud and speaking out to God asking for answers and seeking peace. Above all things he knew he needed God's peace.
“Adam.” Barely a whisper; yet recognizable.
Adam opens his eyes. For a moment he wished it were a ghost standing before him, but it wasn't, it was her. It was Sara.
Closing his eyes again, he realized his prayer had been answered, his inner turmoil had subsided. Adam opens his eyes. In the distance he sees two men in suits, one leaning against a car the other pacing up and down the dirt road chain smoking cigarettes. Adam looks questionably at Sara, but feels he should be silent.
“Adam, I tried to call first, but you were busy. I am sorry to drop in on you like this, but I thought it would be best you heard this from me than from someone else.”
“Hear what? How did you know where to find me?”
“I've always known. One night I came here to kill you, but I couldn't do it. I was over taken by grief at the very sight of you.”
Wait, you've been here? To my house?” “When?” “To what? To kill me?"
"That doesn't matter.”
“It doesn't matter? You came to my home to kill me, and it doesn't matter?”
“Well, yes of course it does, but, but oh, please Adam.” She says, lifting her head.
“You're crying? Sara, what's going on? Are those men with you?”
“Adam, may I sit?”
“Yes.” Adam pats the seat beside him, with his other hand he motions for her to sit next to him. Remembering the last time he did that, “Yes Sara please, sit. Let's talk.”
“Those men are waiting for me. They are attorneys. When I leave here I am going to turn myself in.”
“Turn yourself in?” Adam swallows hard, sensing his fears are about to be founded. Without thought he tightens his grip on his bible and waits.
“Adam. I have done some terrible things, awful and unforgivable things. Sara looks down at her hands. Placing one shaking hand over the other, “I hate that.” She says.
Adam compasionantly reaches out, covering her shaking hands with his own hand. Inexplicably, he knows what she is about to tell him, his inner spirit has already prepared him for this very moment.
She begins with telling him about her father, his drunken bouts and how he cruelly exploited her. She pauses to collect her thoughts. Continuing slowly, she tells him about the last time. She tells him, the vow she made that was supposed to protect her, actually served to destroy her.
“Something inside of me changed, Adam. The night I vowed he would never hurt me again. I stopped crying. Almost instantly fear left and apathy took its place. That night I stopped feeling all emotion except one, hatred. When he finished with me, he staggered out of my room and passed out across his bed. I can still see my actions. I don't recall thinking, it was as if I were possessed with a force that was greater than me; the force of hatred overtook me. I sat on his bed lighting one cigarette after another placing them on his sheet until it finally caught fire. I collected most of the butts, keeping them with me. He was so stupid drunk; he never even woke up. I simply walked out the front door as his bed began to burn. I wasn't sure if he was going to die, but I didn't care, as long as he suffered. As I walked down the street I flung the butts one at a time scattering them to the wind. I pretended they were his ashes. When I think about it, I know I should have been mortified by the very sight of him, but I wasn't. He did finally die, four days later. I sat at his bedside every day pretending to be the loving daughter. I watched as his last breath left his body. It was the most satisfying day of my entire life. In his suffering I found comfort, only it didn't last. His disfigured face began to haunt my dreams. I tried to convince myself, it was my duty to rid this world of such an evil, but still I was tormented by what I had done, causing me to disappear even deeper into darkness.”
Taking a deep breath, Sara begins to shake, sobbing, she begs Adam to forgive her.
Adam knows what’s coming next. He asks God for strength. His voice cracks as he
asks her the question he’s always known the answer to.
“Did you?” He clears his throat and whispers “Katelyn.”
While still holding her hand, he braces himself.
She slowly nods her head. Adam tightens his grip around her hand and begins to sob uncontrollably
I’m so sorry.” she whispers repeatedly.”Why, Sara? I don’t understand. Why? I’m not him, I’m not a monster. What were?”
She places a finger on his lips to quiet him.
“Fear, Adam. Fear, I was so blinded by hatred and this unbridled fear. I was consumed with hating you just for being a man.”
She explains how her fear and anger grew as her unborn child grew. She was angry with God for giving her a daughter, convinced he was bent on tormenting her. God hadn’t protected her when she was a child. There was no one for her to depend on. She trusted no one. Sara knew she was the only one that could protect this child. Once Katelyn was born, Sara knew the evil that men perpetrated couldn’t be allowed to touch her sweet innocent Katelyn. Her heart breaks all over again as she tells him how she gently covered their little Katelyn’s mouth and nostrils, and held them shut until she stopped struggling. She truly believed she was saving Katelyn from the hell she had lived. Moreover, she hated Adam because she blamed him for what she had to do.
They continued to hold each other and for the first time since their daughter’s death, they mourned for her together.She tells him about what went on in her mind that led to the night she came to kill him and of her plan to take her own life immediately after.
She continues, “Your sliding door wasn’t locked. There was a full moon that night which helped me find my way through your house, to your bedroom. It all seemed so perfect and so easy. I saw you sleeping. You had your bible opened, lying across your chest. I stood over you, and then I realized I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t do what I went there to do. I was disgusted with myself. I took one step back about to turn and walk out when I felt compelled to reach for your bible. I pulled it towards me; there was a faint glow from the moon which illuminated the stark white pages that the book was opened to. I stared at those pages, the light was too dim to make out the words, but I couldn’t turn away. I was suddenly overtaken with grief. I ran out of your house clutching your bible to my chest, crying for the first time in twenty years. That was the moment something in me changed.
Adam interrupted, “Bible? Sara, I have my bible.”
They both realized Sara had mistakenly made her way into Roger’s room. Adam remembered the morning Roger came into his room waking him searching for his bible. Finally, after two days Roger broke down, buying himself a new one.
Adam didn’t feel anger or rage welling up inside of him at any time during Sara’s confessions. He marvels at the vast sentiment of compassion that is overtaking him, compassion for her and for the tragic events that led her life to this fateful end. He continues to hold her. They sit intertwined sobbing together.
He knows she could very well be sentenced to death for her crimes, she did too. A price she is willing and ready to pay. She had made her peace with God and now with Adam. She is ready to face whatever lay before her, convinced her future was bright.
Tearing herself from his embrace, thanking him for not hating her she expresses her gratitude for his undeserved mercy.
Imprinting a soft kiss on his check, she whispers, “I'm not afraid.”
As he watches her walk away, Adam knows without reservation that it is the Lords strength that is leading her, and keeping him.
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Redemption-(hopefully imporved)
3rd Draft to appear shortly
2nd DraftChapter One
The living room is barely lit. A single lamp suspends from the ceiling, casting an eerie formation of shadows alongside the wall. All is quiet except for the faint sound from a television that was left on in the bedroom. The sound barely filtering into the living room where Adam sat perched on the edge of the sofa. His eyes warily following the red glow of the cigarette that is carelessly dangling between her fingers.
“Look at me!” She screams, her voice breaking through the stillness, causing Adam to wrench.
He slowly raises his head, careful not to make eye contact with her.
“You're pathetic! Look at you. You make me sick!” She cackles at him with a disgust that reveals her hatred and her loathsome thoughts, for him, for her father, for every man.
With a start, she turns and looks behind her. A voice from her past is calling out to her. She closes her eyes and hears him whispering her name. She shakes her head, then with a quick jolt she tries to toss him from her mind, but it's too late, she's already there.
She lays very still, trying not to breathe as he hovers over her. She can smell him. A mixture of sweat, cigarettes and diesel, he worked in an automotive shop. It was almost as if he ate and drank of it. He reeked of it always, even after he bathed. The smell never left him; making her stomach turn sour. The stench of whiskey was heavier this night than usual. It begins to burn in her nostrils. Her eyes start to tear. She convinces herself it had to be from the strong odor of the whiskey, they weren't tears, no tears, no more.
He gropes for her, climbing on top of her. He wraps his mouth around her ear and whispers her name. Chills run down her spine, despising the very sound of her own name. Her small body tightens as he once again begins to violate her in way that in her mind only his violent death could ever vindicate.
She can see the events of that night flashing through her mind as if they were happening to her at that very moment, hearing the vows she made to herself that night.
“No man will ever hurt me again, never!” She swears through clenched teeth.
With every thrust her heart is hardened-hatred rears up inside of her. No more tears, no more sorrows, just unadulterated hatred for his very existence. For the existence of all men.She then made her second vow; she would kill him first thing in the morning.
~
Chapter Two
“Sara? Honey, please can we talk about this?”Adam searches his wife's face for answers.
Her eyes are wild, he'd seen them like that before, many times, but something was different. Was that a tear forming in the corner of her eye? If it was it would be the first, at least the first he had ever seen.
“Sara, please sit down.” Adam whispers. “I'm sorry. Okay? Whatever I did.” He corrects himself. “For what I did; let's just sit and talk for a minute. Put the cigarette down and come here and sit down.” Adam pats the space beside him, motioning with his other hand for her to come and sit next to him.
All the while he keeps his eye on that same cigarette. The red glow is getting fainter as the ashes accumulate, mysteriously hanging on.
For a reason only her inner demons know, her rage abruptly subsides. He had never seen her like this. Of course he'd seen her rages many times since Katelyn's death but right now as she stood there frozen, she looked so defeated. It was as if she had experienced a fatal blow. Abased, she lowers her head and walks over to Adam. She peers deep into his eyes. For a moment he swore he saw a frightened child looking back at him. In a flash that child was gone, her eyes widen and with all of the force that is within her, she strikes him hard across his face, ashes and sparks scatter into the air. Without a word she turns and walks out of the room.
Adam sweeps his tongue across his bottom lip, tasting his salty blood oozing from his mouth. With the back of his trembling hand, he wipes the blood from his lip, wrenching from the sting. He grabs his coat. Pulls his car keys from the pocket and walks out the door.
He guesses he should consider himself lucky tonight. He knows it could have been much worse as it had been so many times before.
“What happened to my life? What happened to me? He asks himself, not understanding how his life had taken such a wrong turn and how he had become such a coward.
He replays her words in his mind; Sara’s right, I am pathetic. In desperation he screams out into the night “God help me. What do I do?”
His shame runs deep inside of him. He pounds his head against the steering wheel, not even sure why he is in his car. He has nowhere to go. For a moment he contemplates running his car into a brick wall. He dispels that thought quickly, reminding himself, that he is a coward. Since driving into a brick wall is no longer an option he decides it’s safe to start the ignition. Letting his car idle, he cries out in desperation to a God he barely knows. He opens himself up, exposing his fears, his shames and even his disappointment in God.
~
He finds that empting himself is refreshing and strangely clarifying; taking a deep breath, he pulls onto the road, heading north. “North to anywhere.” He declares out loud.
As he journeys to an unknown destination, his mind takes him on a journey back through his past.
Why did I stay living in that hell for so long? It’s been two years since Katelyn died. Why did I stay? I thought at first, it was only a phase. I convinced myself this was Sara's way of dealing with the loss of our daughter. Sara had been a loving wife once, hadn't she? Well, she was most of the time. She had moments where she would go on her tirades. I never knew what would trigger them, but I could handle them. And her sharp tongue; she could be really harsh with her words but she was always sorry afterwards. She had never been violent; not once. Not before Katelyn died.
The doctors said Katelyn had simply stopped breathing; things like this happen they assured me. A sympathetic pat on the back and we were sent home, alone, leaving Katelyn behind. Then began the despairing task of burying my little angel, who was only two months old.
Sara became withdrawn shortly after Katelyn was born. She had wanted a boy. We were told it was going to be a girl but Sara refused to believe it, she insisted the doctors had made a mistake. I never understood her great need for a son. When I asked her she would just shrug it off and say, she wanted him for me, to carry my last name, to be a legacy, a little Adam, she would chime. It made sense to me at the time. After Katelyn’s birth, Sara became detached to everyone particularly towards Katelyn and her anger towards me turned vile.
I knew her wanting a boy so desperately had to go much deeper than she was letting on, but Sara never talked about her feelings. In fact when she was happy everything was great, when she wasn’t it was my fault. Simple, nothing in-between.
I’ll never forget her detached tone. It was thick and stoic when she told me, Katelyn had died. She waited until I got home from work to tell me. That made no sense to me but there was too much to grasp, too many questions that seemed more important at that time. It was all too much for me. I guess I pushed that out of my mind. Now two years later that question haunts me more than anything. Well almost more than anything, she never cried over Katelyn's death either. Thinking about that still stirs a feeling of dread in my gut. I know there is more but I also know I couldn’t possibly handle knowing the truth. ~
It was fear that rose up inside of him every time he pondered those two questions, why did she wait? Why hasn’t she cried? Although he caught an occasional glimpse of the good women she had the potential to be he was aware of an evil that lurked just within the surface of her inner being. He knew it was wise to be afraid of her.
Adam wasn't a violent man, evidently not even in the face of danger; he couldn't raise a hand to her. He did initially attempt to protect himself. Being careful not to stand within arm’s length of her cigarette; she took pleasure in smashing them onto his face. He did attempt to deflect her swings, but never raised his hand against her. Inevitably during her tirades he ended up cowering on the floor in a corner fearing for his very life.
~
He continues to drive, persevering through the night, stopping only for gas.
Yawning he rubs his eyes and stretches one arm around his chest trying to stir himself up. Tiring, he strains to see the road in front of him, there was no moon or stars out to illuminate his way. His headlights were the only lights breaking through the dark of night. He didn't know where he was going; he just knew he had to go. There was nothing left to hold on to. No reason for him to go back. Katelyn was gone and so was Sara. Had she ever really been there? He didn't know anything anymore. The only thing that made any sense now was to keep driving and to never look back.
~
Chapter Three
Spring was a welcome sight, bringing with it a new life for Adam with new beginnings. The divorce to Sara was finalized in December. Standing on his deck looking out towards the lake, Adam draws in the fresh crisp air, filling his lungs and releasing with a satisfying sigh.
“Glad to be alive.” He muses.
He no longer had to live with the shame. He found a care group within one of the local churches. They wrapped their arms around him. What he thought would be a burden of shame to reveal his secrets, turned out to be quite redemptive. A new life began to evolve almost the moment he opened himself up to God and to others in his church.
He hadn't talked to Sara since that night. He let his lawyer’s handle everything. He even offered to pay for her attorney which she accepted. He wanted to make a clean break, no hard feelings as they say. He decided forgiveness, and letting go of all the bitterness was far better than holding on to it. More than anything, he wanted to live again.
He realized the events that had transpired in his life were just as much about him as they were about her. Even so, he couldn't help but wonder what deep dark secrets Sara kept hidden inside her soul. He wanted to know the truth, the truth about Katelyn, the truth about what turned Sara into a monster, but peace, yes peace right now was more important. Those secrets were going to have to lay dormant a while longer. He trusted the Lord would lead him to the truth when he was ready. Until then he was going to learn to walk in wholeness and hold his new friends and his new life dearly close to his heart.
“Adam, you have a phone call.” Roger, Adam’s roommate breaks his serenity.
“Can you take a message? I hate to pass up this glorious morning on the phone.”
“Sorry, Adam you should probably take this, she says her name is Sara.”
Adam’s hands began to sweat and his mouth went dry the very moment her name was mentioned.
“How did she get my number?” He whispers to Roger.
“I don’t know man; you want me to tell her you’re not here?”
“Sorry to do this to you but get her number. I’m going to have to call her back”
“Okay, don’t worry, I got it covered.” Roger assures him.
Adam can’t imagine what she could want after all this time. She hadn’t contested the divorce. She hadn’t requested to talk with him about anything written in the divorce papers. He wondered what she could want after all this time.
“Hell, Roger she got everything. When I walked out that night all I had were the clothes I was wearing. I left everything behind! I think I’m gonna be sick.” Adam moans.
Adam knew he needed to get his head together; this was too much to take in. All of these emotions coming at him surprised him; he thought he was over the past. He thought he had moved on. He grabs his bible and heads towards the lake.
Roger calls out to him; Adam waves his bible in the air and keeps walking. Roger smiles, knowing he was going to be all right.
Adam walks to his favorite spot on the lake front, between two massive oak trees. The limbs extend against a great expanse towards the sky, some of its gigantic limbs sweeping down almost touching the ground, and then jetting back up towards the heavens. The magnificence of these trees was symbolization to Gods majesty to Adam. He built a sturdy bench out of teak wood, placing it between the two trees. He felt safe as he sat nestled between the two of them. He came to this place many times during his restoration period, feeling closet to God there.
Sitting, he begins to search the word, reading aloud and speaking out to God asking for answers and seeking peace. Above all things he knew he needed God’s peace.
“Adam.” Barely a whisper, yet still recognizable.
Adam opened his eyes. For a moment he wished it was a ghost standing before him, but it wasn't it was her. It was Sara.
He checked himself, realizing his prayer had been answered, his inner turmoil had subsided.
Adam looked past Sara, in the distance he saw two men in suits, one leaning against a car the other pacing up and down the dirt road chain smoking cigarettes. Adam looked quizzical at Sara, but felt he should be silent.
“Adam, I tried to call first, but you were busy. I am sorry to drop in on you like this but I thought it would be best you heard this from me than from someone else.”
“Hear what? How did you know where to find me?”
“I’ve always known Adam. I came here one night to kill you, but I couldn’t do it. I was over taken by grief at the very sight of you.
“Wait, you’ve been here? In my house?” “When?” “To what, to kill me?"
"That doesn’t matter.”
“It doesn’t matter? You came to my home to kill me and it doesn’t matter?”
“Well, yes of course it does, but, but oh, please Adam.” She says, looking at him.
He notices tears streaming down her face.“You’re crying? Sara, what’s going on and who are those men?”
“May I sit?”
“Yes.” Adam pats the seat next to him and with his other hand he motions for her to come and sit next to him. He remembers the last time he did that, “Yes Sara please sit, let’s talk.”
“Those men over there are waiting for me. They are attorneys. When I leave here I am going to turn myself in.”
“Turn yourself in?” Adam swallows hard, sensing his fears are about to be founded. Without thought he tightens his grip on his bible and waits.
“Adam. I have done some terrible things, awful and unforgivable things. Sara looks down at her hands. Placing one trembling hand over the other, “I hate that.” She says.
Adam covers her trembling hands with his own. Inexplicably he knows what she is about to tell him, as if his inner spirit had already prepared him for this very moment.
She begins with telling him about her father, his drunken breath on her face as he violated her night after night. She pauses, to collect her thoughts. Continuing, she tells him about the last time he abused her. She tells him, how the moment she made the vow to protect herself was actually the moment she destroyed herself.
“Something inside of me changed, Adam. That night I vowed he would never hurt me again. I stopped crying. Almost instantly fear left me. That night I stopped feeling. When he was done with me, he staggered out of my room and passed out across his bed. I can still see my movements; it was as if I were on auto pilot. I don’t recall thinking, just doing. I sat lighting one cigarette after another, dropping some of them in a small wastebasket I sat beside his bed. Filling it with paper, tissue and placing the corner of the bedspread into the wastebasket; I placed other burning cigarettes on his bed until finally his sheets caught on fire. I carefully collected all the butts and carried them out of the room as his bed began to smolder. He was so stupid drunk; he never even woke up. I simply walked out the front door as his bed began to burn. I wasn’t sure if he was going to die, but I didn’t care, I wanted him to hurt, die, anything, something. Doing nothing was no longer an option for me. It really was much easier than I thought. As I walked down the street I flung the butts one at a time scattering them in the wind. I pretended they were his burnt ashes. That isn’t how it happened though; he didn’t turn into a pile of ashes. He did eventually die, four days later. I sat at his bedside and watched his last breath leave his body. It was the most satisfying day of my entire life. In his suffering I found comfort, only it didn’t last. I was tormented by what I had done but I convinced myself, it was my duty to rid this world of such evil.”
Taking a deep breath, she begins to shake, sobbing, she begs Adam to forgive her.
Adam knows what’s coming next. He asks God for strength. His voice cracks as he asks her the question he’s always known the answer to.
“Did you?” He clears his throat and whispers “Katelyn.” While still holding her hand he braces himself.
She slowly nods her head. Adam tightens his grip around her hand and begins to sob uncontrollably.
“I’m so sorry.” she whispers repeatedly.“Why, Sara? I don’t understand. Why? I’m not him, I’m not a monster. What?”
“Fear, Adam. Fear, I was so blinded by hatred and unbridled fear. I hated you just for being a man.”
She explains how her fear grew as her unborn child grew. She knew she had to protect her. Once Katelyn was born, Sara knew the evil that men perpetrated couldn’t be allowed to touch her sweet innocent Katelyn. Her heart breaks all over again as she tells him how she gently covered their little Katelyn’s mouth and nostrils, and held them shut until she stopped struggling. She truly believed she was saving Katelyn from the hell she had lived. And she hated Adam because she blamed him for what she had to do.
They continued to hold each other and for the first time since their daughter’s death they mourned for her together.
She tells him about what went on in her mind that led to the night she came to kill him and of her plan to take her own life immediately after.
She continues, “Your sliding door wasn’t locked. There was a full moon that night which helped me find my way through your house, to your bedroom. It all seemed so perfect and so easy. I saw you sleeping. You had your bible opened, lying across your chest. I stood over you, and then I realized I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t do what I came here to do. I was disgusted with myself. I took one step back about to turn and walk out when I felt compelled to reach for your bible. I pulled it towards me; there was a faint glow from the moon which illuminated the stark white pages that the book was opened to. I stared at those pages but there wasn't enough light to make out the words. I was suddenly overtaken with grief. I ran out of your house clutching your bible to my chest, crying for the first time in twenty years. That was the moment something in me changed.
Adam interrupted, “Bible? Sara, I have my bible.”
They both realized that Sara had groped her way into Roger’s room. Adam remembered that day. Roger came into his room and woke him up asking if he had borrowed it. He helped Roger search for that bible everywhere. Finally after two days Roger broke down, buying himself a new bible.
Adam didn’t feel anger or rage welling up inside of him at any time during Sara’s confessions. He marvels at the immense emotion of compassion that is overtaking him, compassion for her and for the tragic events that led her life to this fateful end. He continues to hold her. They sit intertwined, sobbing together for what seemed like hours.
He knows she could very well be sentenced to death for her crimes and she did too, a price she is willing and ready to pay. She had made her peace with God and now with Adam. She is ready to face whatever is to be done to her. She tears herself from his embrace, thanking him for not hating her and expresses her gratitude for his undeserved mercy.
Kissing him softly on his check, she whispers “I’m not afraid.”
As he watches her walk away, Adam knows it is the Lords strength that is leading her, and keeping him.
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
Redemption
First Draft
The point of views (POV) that I think should be used for that paragraph are notated. I am still learning. This is practice, practice, practice. It's also my first attempt using dialogue.
The prompt.
In Stephen Kings book "On Writing" The writing assignment was to write a story with the wife as the abuser.
Chapter One
(Present, Narrator)
A single lamp suspends from the ceiling. It was the only light in the room which left an eerie cast of shadows along the wall. All was quiet except for the faint sound of a television that was left on in the bedroom. You could barely hear the sound filtering into the living room where Adam sat perched on the edge of the sofa. His eyes cautiously following the red glow of the cigarette between her fingers.
“Look at me!” She screams, her voice breaking the quiet, causing Adam to wrench.
He slowly raised his head, careful not to make eye contact with her.
“You're pathetic! Look at you. You make me sick!” She cackles at him with a disgust that reveals years of hatred and her loathsome thoughts, for Adam, for her father, for every man.
With a start, she looks away from him. A voice from her past is calling out to her. She closes her eyes and hears him whispering her name. She shakes her head, then with a quick jolt she tries to toss him from her mind, but it's too late, she's already there.
(Past Narrator)
She lays very still, trying not to breathe as he hovers over her. She can smell him. A mixture of sweat, cigarettes and diesel, he worked in an automotive shop. It was almost as if he ate and drank of it. He reeked of it always, even after he bathed. The smell never left him; it made her stomach turn sour. The stench of whiskey was heavier this night than usual. It begins to burn in her nostrils. Her eyes start to tear. She convinces herself it had to be from the strong odor of the whiskey, they weren't tears, no tears, no more.
He climbs on top of her, his mouth wrapping around her ear, he whispers her name. Chills run down her spine, despising the very sound of her own name. Her small body tightens as he once again begins to violate her in way that in her mind only his violent death could ever vindicate.
She can see and hear everything so clearly, hearing the vows she made to herself that night.
“No man will ever hurt me again, never!” She swears through clenched teeth.
With every thrust her heart is hardened-hatred rears up inside of her. No more tears, no more sorrows, just unadulterated hated for his very existence. For the existence of all men.
She then made her second vow; she would kill him first thing in the morning.
He climbs on top of her, his mouth wrapping around her ear, he whispers her name. Chills run down her spine, despising the very sound of her own name. Her small body tightens as he once again begins to violate her in way that in her mind only his violent death could ever vindicate.
She can see and hear everything so clearly, hearing the vows she made to herself that night.
“No man will ever hurt me again, never!” She swears through clenched teeth.
With every thrust her heart is hardened-hatred rears up inside of her. No more tears, no more sorrows, just unadulterated hated for his very existence. For the existence of all men.
She then made her second vow; she would kill him first thing in the morning.
~
Chapter Two
(Present Narrator POV)
“Sara? Honey, please can we talk about this?”
Adam searches his wife's face for answers. Her eyes are wild, he'd seen them like that before, many times, but something was different. Was that a tear forming in the corner of her eye? If it was it would be the first, at least the first he had ever seen.
“Sara, please sit down.” Adam whispers. “I'm sorry. Okay? Whatever I did, for what I did; let's just sit and talk for a minute. Put the cigarette down and come here and sit down.” Adam pats the space beside him, motioning with his other hand for her to come and sit next to him.
All the while keeping his eye on the cigarette, that dangled precariously between her fingers.
For a reason only her inner demons must know her rage abruptly subsides. He had never seen her like this. Of course he'd seen her rages many times since Katelyn's death but this time she looked defeated, as if she had just experienced a fatal blow. Deflated, she walks over to Adam, looks him in the eye, instantly, her eyes widen and with all of the force that is within her, she strikes him hard across his face. Without saying a word she drops the cigarette to the floor, turns and walks out of the room.
Adam sweeps his tongue across his bottom lip, tasting his salty blood that is oozing from his new war wound. With the back of his trembling hand, he wipes the blood from his lip and grabs his coat. Pulling out his car keys from the pocket, he walks out the door.
He knew it could have been worse like so many times before.
“What has happened to my life? He asks himself, not understanding how his life took such a wrong turn.
His thoughts are racing; Sara’s right, I am pathetic. In desperation he screams out into the night “God help me. What do I do?”
His shame ran deep. He beats his head against the steering wheel of his car, not knowing why he is even sitting in his car. He had nowhere to go. He thought of running his car into a brick wall, dispelling that thought quickly. Now that driving his car into a brick wall was no longer an option, he turns the key, sitting for minute with the car idling and begins to pray to a God, he barely knew.
~
He takes a deep breath, pulls onto the road and begins to drive and think.
(Past Johns POV)
Why am I still living in this hell? It’s been two years since Katelyn died. Why did I stay? At first I thought, maybe it was a phase. I had convinced myself this was Sara's way of dealing with the loss of our daughter. Sara had been a loving wife once, hadn't she? Well, most of the time. She had moments where she would go on her tirades; never knowing what would trigger them. And her sharp tongue; she could be really harsh. She was always sorry afterwards and she had never been violent; not once, not before Katelyn died.
The doctors said Katelyn had just stopped breathing; things like this happen, they said kind of matter a fact. My little angel was only two months old.
Sara became withdrawn shortly after Katelyn was born. She wanted a boy. We were told it was going to be a girl but Sara refused to believe it, she insisted the doctors had made a mistake. After Katelyn’s birth, Sara became detached to everyone particularly towards Katelyn and her anger towards me turned vile.
I’ll never forget her detached tone. It was thick and stoic when she told me, Katelyn had died. She waited until I got home from work to tell me. That made no sense to me but there was too much to grasp, too many questions that seemed more important at that time. It was all too much for me. I guess I pushed that out of my mind. Now two years later that question haunts me more than anything. Well almost more than anything, she never cried over Katelyn's death either. The memory of that time stirs this feeling of dread deep inside of me.
~
(Narrator POV)
It was fear that rose up inside of him every time he pondered on those two questions, why did she wait? Why hasn’t she cried? He had to admit he was afraid of her. He wasn't a violent man, evidently not even in the face of danger; he couldn't raise a hand to her. He did initially attempt to protect himself. He was careful to avoid her cigarettes. She would smash them onto his face. She took pleasure in scarring him. He would also attempt to deflect her swings, but eventually he found himself cowering in the corner fearing for his very life.
It was fear that rose up inside of him every time he pondered on those two questions, why did she wait? Why hasn’t she cried? He had to admit he was afraid of her. He wasn't a violent man, evidently not even in the face of danger; he couldn't raise a hand to her. He did initially attempt to protect himself. He was careful to avoid her cigarettes. She would smash them onto his face. She took pleasure in scarring him. He would also attempt to deflect her swings, but eventually he found himself cowering in the corner fearing for his very life.
~
He continues to drive, persevering through the night, stopping only for gas.
Yawning he rubs his eyes and stretches one arm around his chest trying to stir himself up a bit. Tiring he strains to see the road in front of him, there was no moon or stars out to illuminate his way. His headlights were the only lights breaking through the dark night. He didn't know where he was going; he just knew he had to go. There was nothing left to hold on to. No reason for him to go back. Katelyn was gone and so was Sara. Had she ever really been there? He didn't know anything anymore. The only thing that made any sense now was to keep driving and to never look back.
~
Chapter Three
Winter was almost over. Spring was a welcome sight, bringing with it a new life for Adam with new beginnings. The divorce to Sara had been finalized in December. Standing on his deck looking out towards the lake, Adam draws in the fresh crisp air, filling his lungs and releasing with a satisfying sigh.
“Glad to be alive.” He muses.
He no longer had to live with the shame. He found a care group within one of the local churches. They wrapped their arms around him. What he thought would be a burden of shame to reveal his secrets, turned out to be quite redemptive. A new life began to evolve almost the moment he opened himself up to God and to others in his church.
He hadn't talked to Sara since that night. He let his lawyer’s handle everything. He even offered to pay for her attorney. He wanted to make a clean break, no hard feelings as they say. He decided forgiveness, and letting go of all the bitterness was far better than holding on to it. More than anything, he wanted to live again.
He realized the events that had transpired in his life were just as much about him as they were about her. Even so, he couldn't help but wonder what deep dark secrets Sara kept hidden inside her soul. He wanted to know the truth, the truth about Katelyn, the truth about what turned Sara into a monster, but peace, yes peace right now was more important. Those secrets were going to have to lay dormant a while longer. He trusted the Lord would lead him to the truth when he was ready. Until then he was going to learn to walk in wholeness and hold his new friends and his new life dearly close to his heart.
“Adam, you have a phone call.” Roger, Adam’s roommate breaks his serenity.
“Can you take a message? I hate to pass up this glorious morning on the phone.”
“Sorry, Adam you should probably take this, she says her name is Sara.”
Adam’s heart almost stopped. He was surprised it didn’t. His hands began to sweat and his mouth went dry the very moment her name was mentioned.
“How did she find my number?” He whispers to Roger.
“I don’t know man; you want me to tell her you’re not here?”
“Sorry to do this to you but get her number. I have to call her back”
“Okay, don’t worry, I got it covered.” Roger assures him.
Adam can’t imagine what she could want after all this time. She hadn’t contested the divorce, she hadn’t argued any point. She hadn’t requested to talk with him about anything written in the papers. He wondered what she could want now that it was all done.
“Hell, Roger she got everything. When I walked out that night all I had were the clothes I was wearing. I left everything behind! I think I’m gonna be sick.” Adam moans.
Adam knew he needed to get his head together; this was too much to take in. All of these emotions coming at him surprised him; he thought he was over the past. He thought he had moved on. He grabs his bible and heads towards the lake.
Roger calls out to him; Adam waves his bible in the air and keeps walking. Roger smiles, knowing he was going to be all right.
Adam walks to his favorite spot on the lake front, between two massive oak trees. He always feels safe nestled between the two of them. He built a sturdy bench out of teak wood and set it between the two trees. He came to this place many times during his restoration period. He felt closest to God here. Sitting, he begins to search the word, speaking out to God asking for answers and seeking peace. Above all things he knew he needed God’s peace.
“Adam.” Barely a whisper, yet still recognizable.
Adam opened his eyes. For a moment he wished it was a ghost standing before him, but it wasn't it was her. It was Sara.
He checked himself, realizing his prayer had been answered, his inner turmoil had subsided. Adam looked past Sara, in the distance he saw two men in suits, one leaning against their car the other pacing up down the dirt road chain smoking cigarettes. Adam looked quizzical at Sara, but felt he should be silent.
“Adam, I tried to call first, but you were busy. I am sorry to drop in on you like this but I thought it would be best you heard this from me than from someone else.”
“Hear what? How did you know where to find me?”
“I’ve always known Adam. I came here one night to kill you, but I couldn’t do it. I was over taken by grief at the very sight of you.
“Wait, you’ve been here, in my house?” “When?” “To kill me?
“That doesn’t matter.”
“It doesn’t matter? You came to my home to kill me and it doesn’t matter?”
“Well, yes of course it does, but, but oh, please Adam.” She says, looking at him.
He notices tears streaming down her face.
“Your crying? Sara, what’s going on and who are those men?”
“May I sit?”
“Yes.” Adam pats the seat next to him and with his other hand he motions for her to come and sit next to him. Remembering the last time he did that, “Yes Sara sit, let’s talk.”
“Those men over there are waiting for me. They are attorneys. When I leave here I am going to turn myself in.”
“Turn yourself in?” Adam swallows hard, sensing his fears are about to be founded. Without thought he tightens his grip on his bible and waits.
“Adam. I have done some terrible things, awful and unforgivable things. Sara looks down at her hands. Placing one trembling hand over the other, “I hate that.” She says.
Adam covers her trembling hands with his own. He already knew what she was about to tell him. It was as if his inner spirit had already prepared him for this moment.
She begins with telling him about her father, his drunken breath on her face as he violated her night after night. She pauses, to collect her thoughts. Continuing, she tells him about the last time he abused her. She tells him, how the moment she made the vow to protect herself was actually the moment she destroyed herself.
“Something inside of me changed, Adam. That night I vowed he would never hurt me again. I stopped crying. Almost instantly fear left me. That night I stopped feeling. When he was done with me, he staggered out of my room and passed out across his bed. I can still see my movements; it was as if I were on auto pilot. I don’t recall thinking, just doing. I sat and lit one cigarette after another, leaving it on the bed until his sheets caught fire. I carefully collected all the butts and carried them out of the room as his bed went up in flames. He was so stupid drunk; he never even woke up. I walked out the front door. I wasn’t sure if he was going to die, but I didn’t care, I wanted him to hurt, die, anything, something. Doing nothing was no longer possible for me. It really was much easier than I thought. As I walked down the street I flung the butts one at a time scattering them in the wind. I pretended they were his burnt ashes. That’s not how it happened though, he didn’t burn to ashes. He did die but not for four days. I sat at his bedside and watched his last breath leave his body. It was the most satisfying day of my entire life. In his suffering I found comfort.”
Taking a deep breath, she begins to shake, sobbing, she begs Adam to forgive her.
Adam knows what’s coming next. He asks God for strength. His voice cracks as he asks her the question he’s always known the answer to.
“Did you?” He braces himself, still holding her hand.
She slowly nods her head. Adam tightens his grip around her hand. He begins to sob.
“I’m so sorry.” Sara whispers.
“Why, Sara? I don’t understand. Why? I’m not anything like that monster. What?”
“Fear, Adam, fear. I was so blinded by hatred for you, for just being a man and unbridled fear.”
She explains how her fear grew as her unborn child grew. She knew she had to protect her. Protect her from herself, but mostly from men. Once Katelyn was born, Sara knew the evil that men perpetrated couldn’t be allowed to touch her sweet innocent Katelyn. Her heart breaks all over again as she tells him how she gently covered their little Katelyn’s mouth and nostrils, and held them shut until she stopped breathing. She truly believed she was saving Katelyn from the hell she had lived. And hated Adam because she blamed him.
Winter was almost over. Spring was a welcome sight, bringing with it a new life for Adam with new beginnings. The divorce to Sara had been finalized in December. Standing on his deck looking out towards the lake, Adam draws in the fresh crisp air, filling his lungs and releasing with a satisfying sigh.
“Glad to be alive.” He muses.
He no longer had to live with the shame. He found a care group within one of the local churches. They wrapped their arms around him. What he thought would be a burden of shame to reveal his secrets, turned out to be quite redemptive. A new life began to evolve almost the moment he opened himself up to God and to others in his church.
He hadn't talked to Sara since that night. He let his lawyer’s handle everything. He even offered to pay for her attorney. He wanted to make a clean break, no hard feelings as they say. He decided forgiveness, and letting go of all the bitterness was far better than holding on to it. More than anything, he wanted to live again.
He realized the events that had transpired in his life were just as much about him as they were about her. Even so, he couldn't help but wonder what deep dark secrets Sara kept hidden inside her soul. He wanted to know the truth, the truth about Katelyn, the truth about what turned Sara into a monster, but peace, yes peace right now was more important. Those secrets were going to have to lay dormant a while longer. He trusted the Lord would lead him to the truth when he was ready. Until then he was going to learn to walk in wholeness and hold his new friends and his new life dearly close to his heart.
“Adam, you have a phone call.” Roger, Adam’s roommate breaks his serenity.
“Can you take a message? I hate to pass up this glorious morning on the phone.”
“Sorry, Adam you should probably take this, she says her name is Sara.”
Adam’s heart almost stopped. He was surprised it didn’t. His hands began to sweat and his mouth went dry the very moment her name was mentioned.
“How did she find my number?” He whispers to Roger.
“I don’t know man; you want me to tell her you’re not here?”
“Sorry to do this to you but get her number. I have to call her back”
“Okay, don’t worry, I got it covered.” Roger assures him.
Adam can’t imagine what she could want after all this time. She hadn’t contested the divorce, she hadn’t argued any point. She hadn’t requested to talk with him about anything written in the papers. He wondered what she could want now that it was all done.
“Hell, Roger she got everything. When I walked out that night all I had were the clothes I was wearing. I left everything behind! I think I’m gonna be sick.” Adam moans.
Adam knew he needed to get his head together; this was too much to take in. All of these emotions coming at him surprised him; he thought he was over the past. He thought he had moved on. He grabs his bible and heads towards the lake.
Roger calls out to him; Adam waves his bible in the air and keeps walking. Roger smiles, knowing he was going to be all right.
Adam walks to his favorite spot on the lake front, between two massive oak trees. He always feels safe nestled between the two of them. He built a sturdy bench out of teak wood and set it between the two trees. He came to this place many times during his restoration period. He felt closest to God here. Sitting, he begins to search the word, speaking out to God asking for answers and seeking peace. Above all things he knew he needed God’s peace.
“Adam.” Barely a whisper, yet still recognizable.
Adam opened his eyes. For a moment he wished it was a ghost standing before him, but it wasn't it was her. It was Sara.
He checked himself, realizing his prayer had been answered, his inner turmoil had subsided. Adam looked past Sara, in the distance he saw two men in suits, one leaning against their car the other pacing up down the dirt road chain smoking cigarettes. Adam looked quizzical at Sara, but felt he should be silent.
“Adam, I tried to call first, but you were busy. I am sorry to drop in on you like this but I thought it would be best you heard this from me than from someone else.”
“Hear what? How did you know where to find me?”
“I’ve always known Adam. I came here one night to kill you, but I couldn’t do it. I was over taken by grief at the very sight of you.
“Wait, you’ve been here, in my house?” “When?” “To kill me?
“That doesn’t matter.”
“It doesn’t matter? You came to my home to kill me and it doesn’t matter?”
“Well, yes of course it does, but, but oh, please Adam.” She says, looking at him.
He notices tears streaming down her face.
“Your crying? Sara, what’s going on and who are those men?”
“May I sit?”
“Yes.” Adam pats the seat next to him and with his other hand he motions for her to come and sit next to him. Remembering the last time he did that, “Yes Sara sit, let’s talk.”
“Those men over there are waiting for me. They are attorneys. When I leave here I am going to turn myself in.”
“Turn yourself in?” Adam swallows hard, sensing his fears are about to be founded. Without thought he tightens his grip on his bible and waits.
“Adam. I have done some terrible things, awful and unforgivable things. Sara looks down at her hands. Placing one trembling hand over the other, “I hate that.” She says.
Adam covers her trembling hands with his own. He already knew what she was about to tell him. It was as if his inner spirit had already prepared him for this moment.
She begins with telling him about her father, his drunken breath on her face as he violated her night after night. She pauses, to collect her thoughts. Continuing, she tells him about the last time he abused her. She tells him, how the moment she made the vow to protect herself was actually the moment she destroyed herself.
“Something inside of me changed, Adam. That night I vowed he would never hurt me again. I stopped crying. Almost instantly fear left me. That night I stopped feeling. When he was done with me, he staggered out of my room and passed out across his bed. I can still see my movements; it was as if I were on auto pilot. I don’t recall thinking, just doing. I sat and lit one cigarette after another, leaving it on the bed until his sheets caught fire. I carefully collected all the butts and carried them out of the room as his bed went up in flames. He was so stupid drunk; he never even woke up. I walked out the front door. I wasn’t sure if he was going to die, but I didn’t care, I wanted him to hurt, die, anything, something. Doing nothing was no longer possible for me. It really was much easier than I thought. As I walked down the street I flung the butts one at a time scattering them in the wind. I pretended they were his burnt ashes. That’s not how it happened though, he didn’t burn to ashes. He did die but not for four days. I sat at his bedside and watched his last breath leave his body. It was the most satisfying day of my entire life. In his suffering I found comfort.”
Taking a deep breath, she begins to shake, sobbing, she begs Adam to forgive her.
Adam knows what’s coming next. He asks God for strength. His voice cracks as he asks her the question he’s always known the answer to.
“Did you?” He braces himself, still holding her hand.
She slowly nods her head. Adam tightens his grip around her hand. He begins to sob.
“I’m so sorry.” Sara whispers.
“Why, Sara? I don’t understand. Why? I’m not anything like that monster. What?”
“Fear, Adam, fear. I was so blinded by hatred for you, for just being a man and unbridled fear.”
She explains how her fear grew as her unborn child grew. She knew she had to protect her. Protect her from herself, but mostly from men. Once Katelyn was born, Sara knew the evil that men perpetrated couldn’t be allowed to touch her sweet innocent Katelyn. Her heart breaks all over again as she tells him how she gently covered their little Katelyn’s mouth and nostrils, and held them shut until she stopped breathing. She truly believed she was saving Katelyn from the hell she had lived. And hated Adam because she blamed him.
They held each other and for the first time mourned the death of their daughter together.
She tells him about what went on in her mind that led to the night she came to kill him and of her plan to take her own life immediately after.
She continues, “Your sliding door wasn’t locked. There was a full moon that night which helped me find my way to your bedroom. It all seemed so perfect and so easy. I saw you sleeping with your bible open, lying across your chest. I stood over you unable to do what I came here to do. Disgusted with myself, I took one step back. I was about to walk out when I felt compelled to reach for your bible. I pulled it towards me and stared at the stark white pages that were opened. Without even reading anything in particular I suddenly was overtaken with grief. I ran out of your house clutching your bible to my chest, crying for the first time in 20 years. That was the moment that changed my life.
Adam interrupted, “Bible? Sara, I have my bible.”
They both realized that Sara had groped her way into Roger’s room. Adam remembered Roger looking all over for his Bible, finally giving up after two days, breaking down and buying himself a new one.
Adam didn’t feel anger or rage welling up inside of him at any point during Sara’s confessions.
She tells him about what went on in her mind that led to the night she came to kill him and of her plan to take her own life immediately after.
She continues, “Your sliding door wasn’t locked. There was a full moon that night which helped me find my way to your bedroom. It all seemed so perfect and so easy. I saw you sleeping with your bible open, lying across your chest. I stood over you unable to do what I came here to do. Disgusted with myself, I took one step back. I was about to walk out when I felt compelled to reach for your bible. I pulled it towards me and stared at the stark white pages that were opened. Without even reading anything in particular I suddenly was overtaken with grief. I ran out of your house clutching your bible to my chest, crying for the first time in 20 years. That was the moment that changed my life.
Adam interrupted, “Bible? Sara, I have my bible.”
They both realized that Sara had groped her way into Roger’s room. Adam remembered Roger looking all over for his Bible, finally giving up after two days, breaking down and buying himself a new one.
Adam didn’t feel anger or rage welling up inside of him at any point during Sara’s confessions.
He marvels at the immense sense of compassion that is overtaking him, compassion for her and for the tragic events that led her life to this fateful end. He continues to hold her. They sit intertwined, sobbing together for what seemed like hours.
He knew she could very well be sentenced to death for her crimes and she did too, a price she was willing and ready to pay. She had made her peace with God and now with Adam. She was ready to face whatever was to be done to her. She tears herself from his embrace, thanking him for not hating her and expresses her gratitude for his undeserved mercy.
Kissing him gently on his check, she whispers “I’m not afraid.”
As he watches her walk away, Adam knows it is the Lords strength that is keeping him standing. Without it he knows he would not have survived this.
He knew she could very well be sentenced to death for her crimes and she did too, a price she was willing and ready to pay. She had made her peace with God and now with Adam. She was ready to face whatever was to be done to her. She tears herself from his embrace, thanking him for not hating her and expresses her gratitude for his undeserved mercy.
Kissing him gently on his check, she whispers “I’m not afraid.”
As he watches her walk away, Adam knows it is the Lords strength that is keeping him standing. Without it he knows he would not have survived this.
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